Trauma turns into generational trauma – until resolved

Have you ever wondered why certain events keep on happening: to you, to your family, to a friend, to a colleague? A pattern that keeps repeating, even though you know it’s not helpful?

Sometimes we set the same goal or make the same decision or new years resolution, only to realise that we keep repeating the same old stuff.

It could be emotional eating and feeling overly full and not being able to sleep as a result. Or lashing out at our partner about a small thing when we feel stressed.

I eat too much when I’m exhausted or feel emotionally drained.

I’m sure you can find something in your life that fits into this picture.

So, what can we do about it?

We can inquire compassionately into our past; ask ourself gently, what does this remind me of? This can be the situation, the habit, the emotion, the urge etc. 

Sometimes things get too hard to deal with by ourselves. That’s when it is best to go for help.

So where to find it?

There are a couple of processes I can offer you.

Recently I’ve come across new psychotherapy models that help us explore – and transform – what happened in our childhood, to help make sense of what is happening in our life now.

I embarked on a journey with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), an amazing tool that helps remapping the brain to detach emotions from painful memories. More about this in another email.

Imago Relationship Dialogue. As a couple you can explore and heal old wounds together in a structured dialogue that keeps the communication safe.

And of course Systemic Exploration, aka Family/Organisational Constellations, which can also address generational trauma. Not much to say about that, you have to experience it, as so many of you have done already over the years.

If you’re in Alice Springs, you’re lucky. 

After a break of over 2 years I am happy that I can offer another Family/Organisational Constellation workshop on 28/29 November. 

It’s at the White Gum Retreat at Honeymoon Gap, a powerful place for this work. Here is the link for more information.

If you’re not in Alice Springs, don’t worry. Soon I will be offering online groups. The first one will be for free for people who have taken part in one of my live workshops before.

Watch this space.

Intrigued? Need support? 

Hit reply and get in touch.

P.S. You might notice that my name is spelt differently. It’s the result of a change that happened in my life.

The single biggest problem in communication is…

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw

Photo by mali maeder

Hello, Malcolm here, with my first ChangeMadeReal email.

How often do we think we’ve ‘communicated’ only to find that the party we thought we’d communicated with has no recollection of either: the act of communicating; or the contents of the message; or the nature of any agreement we thought we’d reached!

It would appear that this is a very common occurrence.

The illusion is invariably in the mind of the speaker. It’s delusional really.

I suspect that I sometimes ‘imagine’ I’ve said something using my mouth when in reality I’ve only said it in my mind (it sounds the same). 

Apparently I often start talking and walking at the same time, and fail to realise that the person I’m talking to (typically my wife) can’t possibly hear me – which is inexcusable as, having led a loudspeaker company, I understand sound pretty well.

Still, speech isn’t our only communication medium, and we can be just as deluded by gesture, body-language, and even text (beware the drunken pixie of autocorrect!).

I guess we (and the folk we are hoping to communicate with) have to adopt a ‘protocol’ that’s a bit like that used by the Internet. 

It helps to use flow-control – and acknowledge receipt of blocks of communication, thus confirming to the sending party that you, the receiving party, have heard (or seen, or felt) them. 

Whilst computers do this with ease, and tremendous speed and accuracy, it is significantly harder for us mere mortals. 

Imago Dialogue is one such protocol that can be used by humans. Whilst it is simple, it is not easy. It takes practice, and commitment!

It is something we are still learning and it is something Preeti will soon become certified in. 

However, I can assure you that it is most definitely worth the effort to effectively communicate – and to avoid delusion!

Let us know what you think?

And, if you’re wondering about the above image of chairs – they’re examples of how you might sit for an Imago dialogue!

Oh, and do yourself a favour. Switch off ‘autocorrect’.

Disrupted routine – or routine disruptions?

Unpredictable times. Fear and uncertainty may take front seat in our lives. 

Every one of us is affected by this tiny little monster called coronavirus – wondering about our own health, how we protect ourselves, how we protect others.  

We’re also subject to our governments making decisions that limit our freedom. Social distancing? Social isolation? 

Working from home, social distancing, or self-isolation are typical examples. 

Emotions may pop up out of nowhere, and for no good reason. We might feel trapped or anxious or … 

It’s true. There are many things out of our control. 

We might let ourselves drop into fear, or doom and gloom.  

However, it’s also true that we have choice in how we respond. Even in this unprecedented situation we can look at the glass half empty or half full. 

No matter what happens externally, we are in charge of what happens inside us.  

Consider Nelson Mandela in Robben Island prison, or Victor Frankl surviving a Nazi concentration camp. In their minds they refused to ‘give in’ to their circumstances – and they had to do this alone and unaided. 

So, how can we apply to our lives the lessons these exemplary individuals have shown us? 

We’re still a community. We connect with each other, albeit electronically. In addition we have a lot of tools available to help ourselves anywhere, anytime. 

We are a community, and we can share with each other what works for us. 

To get things going, you may want to reflect on the following: 

  • I wonder what good can come out of it …
  • I believe it is possible to …
  • Tools I use to influence the way I am feeling include …
  • I choose to focus on …
  • I can help others by …

Let’s also remember that we have a choice of being ‘in fear’ or ‘in our power’. 

Inspired? Would you like to share with us what you came up with? 

Respond to this email, and we will pass it on to the Change Made Real community. 

The paradox of this moment is that isolation is bringing us closer together the more we choose to help each other. 

Stay well, stay safe and see the glass half-full. 

With love 


World Peace – One Relationship at a Time

It’s been a long time since you last heard from me. 

Much has happened in our world, the unprecedented situation with the Corona virus has an impact on all of us. My heart goes out to you all

At my end – certainly a lot happened, over quite a while – for a start we’ve relocated, again! This time to Alice Springs in the ‘Red Centre’ of Australia.  

A fascinating, rewarding and occasionally challenging, remote place – far from the coastal cities. However distance is no constraint to video or phone sessions. 

Things have changed in Change Made Real too. Couple-sessions in the amazing Imago Dialogue model are now available in addition to our previous programs. 

And my husband, Malcolm, has joined the business. Our new website is the first result! You may detect some stylistic changes. His experience is different to mine.   

Also, you may hear from him in the occasional email, writing from his standpoint as ‘a partner in an Imago relationship’.  

Feel free to share his stuff with anyone you think might be interested – and of course, the same goes for mine! 

Through self-reflection, playing with ideas, formulating what we want from life and work – and what we can offer to the world, we found our why: 

World Peace – One Relationship at a Time    

Things start small. If we change our relationship to ourselves, we change relationships to others, and before long we’re starting to change the world! 

Now back in action, I’m committing that you will hear from us once or twice a week with inspirational emails with practical tips.  

If you have any questions or concerns, or simply want to reach out in these strange times, drop me an email.  

Better yet, visit our constantly evolving website and let me know what you think. 

Sending love